House or Home? To Obey or Not to Obey, That is the Question.

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by Dr. Chuck Baynard

[Editor’s Notes: Dr. Baynard writes a newspaper column called “Teen Talk” from whence the following article is taken.  He cautions that the article is written for a secular South Carolina newspaper, is targeted toward the worse situations of child abuse, and relies upon South Carolina law.  He realizes that there may be reader objections to the social services references.  Please keep these factors in mind as you study this article.  Dr. Baynard is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors]

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House or Home? To Obey Or Not To Obey, That Is the Question.

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Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou may live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:1-4 AV)

Jennifer walked softly through the living room toward the kitchen, praying her father lying on the couch was asleep and did not wake up as she passed by him. She could see all the empty beer cans, and the smell of alcohol was unbearable, so she knew he was drunk again. She thanked God that it was not this way all the time, but it seemed to be happening more and more lately.

As she cautiously made her way by him her mind was flooded with memories of the last time she had been alone in the house and he was drunk. The bruises on her face had faded, but she still wore long sleeve shirts to hide the deeper bruises on her arms. When mom was home, she wouldn’t let dad touch her when he was like this. Though that was becoming less and less of a comfort for dad was now beginning to hit mom too.

If only dad could find work maybe he wouldn’t be like this. She tried very hard to make sure she always pleased him, but for some reason she could not seem to please him, and they always ended up with him screaming at her and threatening various bodily harm. He was not really that bad when he was sober. And, he always was so sorry after the fact and tried to make up for what the alcohol had made him do. She uttered a word of thanks as she moved out of the living room and his presence. As she quietly closed the door behind her, she added And Lord, please fix our family, help my dad.

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Question: What can a child do that is being physically abused?

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Question: What advice can you give a child who you think is abused or who has asked you what they can do?

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Question: What options does an older child, sixteen or seventeen have, and do these options vary from what are available to a younger child?

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Working through the problem:

First regardless of age the child should talk, let someone know it is happening. In the case here the mother is aware of the problem, but is unable to fix the problem. Jennifer needs to talk with her parents and others. The family needs help! No abuse of this nature is acceptable and even once in awhile is not okay. Left to fester in the dark bad behavior will only get worse and never better. No one should have to live in a house where they are scared out of their wits most of the time. AND B No one does! There are solutions to this situation. They may not be ideal, nor that which we would like, but the abuse and fear must end.

First step:

Talk to other adults in the family, especially grandparents or a favorite aunt or uncle. If the results are not immediate and a feeling of safety restored, move outside the family, talk to your pastor or a school teacher you trust. The options available are the same regardless of age of the child. However an older child that has lived in a situation like this are most apt to make a wrong decision and ruin their future. If you have tried these sources and don’t seem to be getting anywhere, or perhaps things are only getting worse, call the Department of Social Services (DSS). The county Social Services gets a bad rap because of the nature of their job, and most see it as interference in “family” business. Nonetheless, a child in danger will be removed from the situation immediately, and have a place of safety while attempts to get the help needed to bring peace back into the family and make the house a home again are being made.

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The solution:

Confrontation of the problem and appropriate counseling for the whole family. The idea is not to divide and destroy the family, but return it to full health. DSS does a good job of this, and from experience will work with all parties to get them back into the home as soon as possible.

Under no circumstance should a child run away from home with nowhere to go. This is as true for the teenager as it is a younger child. You can and I believe almost certainly will be taken advantage of when you do this, and the end result will be worse than the situation you are running away from.
Talk to your grandparents, or another adult. Really scared, call the police! The thought of being taken away from home is frightening, but living with abuse is worse. The end result of seeking help will be for the good of all, and is the only hope for the family as a whole.

Children 17 or older can find a place to live and remove themselves from the home. Parents cannot force a seventeen year old, or older child to return home in South Carolina. This doesn’t mean move in with a boy friend or girl friend or any other ungodly solution. Find a relative who will allow you to live with them and then submit to the parents in that home as if your own. Don’t break off all contact with your parents, leave doors of reconciliation open, just don’t be too anxious to go back through that door until you know things have really changed.

The Bible says children are to obey their parents, and this is a great truth that we must go to the limit to do. However the Bible also gives a responsibility to the parents for their children and this must be obeyed also. When children and parents live by the Bible, we don’t have these situations to begin with. So keeping the family together as god designed it is of top importance, but no where do we find God telling us we have to live in constant fear because others are not living as God has directed. Be careful to obey God, and don’t cause strife where it doesn’t exist, but speak up, don’t live in the house built by Satan. I believe the verse from the Bible above is clear enough for us all to see how God desires we live. This is a commandment, not a suggestion. So children, (age doesn’t enter in here) obey your parents. Parents love your children!

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Dr. Baynard is an Associate Editor of the Christian Observer and Senior Pastor at Clover Evangelical Presbyterian Church in Clover, South Carolina

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