The Myth of Time

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by Dr. Chuck Baynard

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There is an old saying that time heals all things. People who have suffered the loss of someone very close will find that their path to healing is greatly hindered if they buy this half-truth. When years later they find they are till having problems dealing with the loss and time has not healed they blame themselves and feel guilty because of their inability to move on with life. Time by itself will not heal but what we do in that time will make a lot of difference in both how fast and how complete the healing is

First and foremost, give yourself permission to grieve and take just as much time as you personally need to deal with this loss. In grief we face many internal challenges, how we respond to these challenges determines how well we are able to cope and move forward in life and know productive and happy relationships in the future.

There is no timetable for grief and it is not packaged in nice little packages that are dealt with in a set order. It is different for every person even when more than one person is facing grief because of the loss of a common loved one. Our relationships are unique and so is how we each grieve. The time however will have a direct relationship to how the person goes about deliberately doing what has to be done in all cases of grief. This means we set aside a deliberate time to work on the memory of the person and what we are feeling because of our loss of their relationship with us.

The idea is not to remove a memory of a loved one; that will not happen. The idea is to come to peace with the situation and be able to live happily afterwards and continue with life. Do not attempt to sanitize your surroundings and thoughts of the one you love. (Present tense intentional) Find definite times to look at photos, play favorite music, and watch family videos or whatever brings happy memories of the missing person. You will cry at times and this is not only okay it is quite normal. Visit the gravesite and talk to your friend or loved one. This isn’t abnormal or crazy it is good therapy and some of us believe that they can know what we are saying and feeling.

Learn about the process we call grief. You may think you are going crazy and experience a rollercoaster of emotions for a long time. It may affect your sleep and appetite. Even the best of Christians may be angry at God. All is normal so spend the time reading books or other material about grief, it will help you find yourself in this emotional storm in life.

In profound grief support groups of people who have suffered similar losses can provide much needed balance to the emotions and help you gain stability faster. If you feel stuck and can’t seem to move forward seek professional help. Begin a “new” relationship with your departed loved one. The nature has changed, physically it has changed, but spiritually much remains the same. Take a closer look at your beliefs and especially what does death mean to you.

Watch for the road signs of recovery and take heart, the sun will shine again in God’s time. Each and every soul in our lives becomes a part of who and what we are and are God’s means of educating our soul in preparation for eternity. There will come a time when for hours, then days, and finally weeks, there are no deep outbursts until one day all is well with your soul. But that precious memory will last forever, love cannot be destroyed.

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Dr. Baynard is an Associate Editor of the Christian Observer and Senior Pastor at Clover Evangelical Presbyterian Church in Clover, South Carolina

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